If you're not the one....................

Break ups aren't easy..

Whether it is the first time or the third time or the fifth time.

You go through this emotional drain each time you say goodbye.  Your heart aches and you cry until you don't think you have another tear left to shed. You look like hell and you feel like it too. All you long for is peace and you can only find it in sleep... but, unfortunately... your brain won't let you sleep. Too many questions, too much left unanswered. Why? why? why .......

I don't have those answers but ... I guess they don't matter. All I can do is make sure this is the last time I put myself through this...

Goodbye my dream...  I will miss you.

Counting down.....

  The holidays are upon us!  Thanksgiving is kind of the official starting point for me.  From there on out.. I am in Christmas mode... carols playing... house decorating.. shopping... wrapping.

   I am counting the days  (18 as I write this) until my oldest (and wisest) child of 28 comes home. I haven't seen her since last Christmas as distance and money keep us from getting together during the year.  I always love having all 3 of my "kids" together.  Even though they are technically adults, they change back into 10 year olds when they are all under the same roof.  Nothing makes me smile more than listening to the banter as they gather around a table or in the family room.  During this season of "waiting"... I am trying to be patient.

   I hope this finds you all looking forward to something.

A day in the life........................

  I have felt the need to write, to open up and let emotions run free. The only problem is... I don't have anything really to write about.  There are things I would like to say, but they would be hurtful or misconstrued. What started out as a blog getting me through a break up has since become a silent recounting of life at a stand still.

    I am so angry sometimes and yet, I smile and pretend that I am OK.  Years of therapy and I still make the same mistakes.  At one point in my marriage, when things were really bad.. my blood pressure had risen so high that my GYN threatened to call an ambulance on me if I didn't head right from her office to my regular doctor.  After my divorce... amazingly, my BP was fine.. I went without meds for months at a time and only during stressful times at work did I take them.  Now... I battle again.  Because there is a battle raging inside me that has me back on meds and the addition of a new pill as well.  Does anyone see this as a problem?  Does anyone see my hurt and frustration or .... as long as life is fine for everyone else... are they too blinded by that to care?

   The holidays are approaching.  Those are the worst times...  I don't know what happens this year, but... I do know that my heart isn't in it. 

Someone NEW in my bed..

 I have been very lax in keeping up with this blog.. and for that , I apologize. I really don't have any excuse other than I don't have any good news to share and I sure am tired of complaining about my life so... as they always say.. If you don't have anything good to say, say nothing at all.

  Life moves on.. summer came and went.. Fall is here... Birthdays and holiday looming...  Work keeps me busy and the house and all that goes with it keep me broke. But.. I do have a new person sharing my bed..
Loving, funny, cuddly and truly a joy in some of my worse days...

 My puppy.. not so much a puppy anymore.. jumps into bed with me every morning for a morning snuggle. She licks my face while I rub her tummy. Unconditional love... she loves people and I love having her to start my day.  You sometimes realize with a dog or any pet... how much it means to them just to be near you. As I write.. she is snuggled on my lap chewing a toy and happy as can be. Life doesn't get much better than this for her... what a great outlook.

  So, I again apologize for my lack of "contact" these days.. but, you can see, my most exciting news is a dog who likes dryer sheets, stealing my socks and underwear and making me crazy by still poopin on my floor. But, the gift I get from her is worth cleaning up a little poop... I feel like the most important person in the world to her.. how great is that? Someone to love and care for... and I don't have to worry about school supplies or college tuition!

I do have a visit to my therapist today.. so that should illicit some emotion... I will keep you all posted. Till then.. enjoy your day!

I did it !

I wonder what your first thoughts are when you read that title?


What did Jen do now?  Finally stop whining about stuff?  She find a new guy?  She lose those 30 pounds she has be talking about losing for 19 years? Well the answer to those are no.. no and a very big NO.


While I have talked about a new puppy... I wanted to wait to make sure I got something that fit the criteria of my life now...  Something on the small side (I do have a fenced in yard but the green space is not very large due to pool and bushese and flowers).... something that didn't shed,  a companion more than a guard dog. After several failed attempts I figured we would find something eventually and we did..

So.. althought she doesn't meet all my criteria, she was much too cute to say no to... so welcome to our family my new puppy... we named her Coco and she's been a wonderful distraction in this oh so crazy life.

I am sure I will be whining about her chewing up something in no time, so stay tuned !

Happy Mothers Day !!

To all you new Mom's... and those of us who have spent most of our lives being Moms.

A job I know that none of us would give up for the world. Our children are certainly the greatest accomplishment we as women .... can have. 

I miss my kids being little sometimes... when I look at old pics or videos. But, I love the place I am in with them now.  We still hang out together.. whether at home,  or Grandma's ... or out to dinner.  We have fun and silly chats about their lives, jobs and crazy schedules.  They still tell me they love me and will unexpectedly hug me from time to time.  Most of our time is spent apart though these days... and I am OK with that too for..

"I have given them roots and I have given them wings"....


and I believe that ... that is a Mother's most important job. 

Happy Mother's Day !!!  I hope you get to spend some time with your greatest gifts.

The Single sites....

Happy Easter... Happy Passover.... Happy Day... no matter what your affiliation.

So... the singles site experience was very eye opening.  As an "older" woman looking... I wasn't sure what I was looking for.  But, the winks, emoticons and emails came in.  Some I politely said no thank you to.. some I lied to and said I had met someone and a couple I corresponded with.  Much like my friend France, I don't want to settle for someone who doesn't have what I am looking for just to have someone.  So.. smokers, hunters, motorcyclist, married guys, men over 60, non-Christians were an immediate  NO.  Finally I was corresponding with 2 men that I found attractive and their emails consisted of full sentences and correct spelling.

  Quick synopsis.... Coffee date with one.... A meet for a drink with the other... all within a couple days of each other. 

Final analysis.... 

  I am so not ready for this.   When your heart is somewhere else, you need time to let go of that before you start dating again.  Things with Mark were always so easy, so comfortable... from the very beginning.  It didn't feel like work.. it was exciting and joyous.  This feels like work. 

  So,  I am going to give myself time to grieve and to heal ...  be ok with being alone. 


BUT...  I don't think I will be totally alone....
 
                                 I am thinking I am ready for another dog .