Diary of a breakup post 1

diaryofabreakup.blogspot.com was already taken and breakup seems like such a horrible word so I just took the address diaryofabreak.blogspot.com I'll call my ex H 14 July 2014 Monday (Bastille Day) That was the day he told me he wanted to break up with me. I kind of knew it was coming but yet I still wasn't prepared when it actually happened. In December 2013 I had already brought up the topic with him (after dating about 6 months) about wanting marriage and kids and he said he wasn't ready and 'not now'. I also said that maybe we should break up and he said 'I don't want to break up'. Truthfully I didn't either. I loved him so much it hurts. Maybe it was the wrong or bad decision to continue but I don't regret it because since then we've continued to have so many wonderful adventures together, travelling, working on our projects. I will cherish our time together for as long as I live. It all happened in early June when we had dinner with one of his best friends and his girlfriend. His friend told us they planned to get married in August (we already knew they were engaged) and they were also planning on having kids soon (which was a total surprise and shock to me). I know it may seem selfish but this angered me. I was like How dare they! They don't even get along half as well as they do, and yet they are the ones getting married. I resolved to talk to H about it... however... a few days later we were going on an amazing holiday that we had planned for several weeks and I didn't want to spoilt it, I wanted to enjoy the week long trip. Then 3 days after we got back we were invited to another one of his friend's birthday party so then I decided to talk to him the day after that. It did not go down well at all. He later told me he thought I was 'blackmailing' him 'ie marry me or I'm leaving' when that's not what I meant at all. I meant that if our goals were not compatible then maybe we shouldn't continue dating. Anyway, the following 2, 3 weeks were filled with much anxiety and insomnia for me. There were 3 distinct moments where we were sleeping in the same bed and he seemed to be asleep the whole night and I was awake practically the entire night, even crying softly to myself, all the while he had absolutely no idea.